I was home alone because Mike and the kids were out of town visiting family in Kentucky. I felt like fireflies were swirling around me and I could hear the sound of the air conditioner.
I had just gotten back home from a night out with a friend. I thought if I spent time away from home I would forget the craziness I was feeling; however, as soon as the bolt turned, and I opened the door and entered the house it all came back to me.
I loved my kids, my husband, and my family but I could not handle the constant inner critic telling me I was not good enough or was not worth anything. I literally had one foot over the ledge and one foot on the ground.
I did manage to go to sleep that night but I tossed and turned thinking I would be better off gone. My kids would be better off without this version of their mom who constantly was depressed and only wanted to sit on the couch and cry.
But would they be better off? Who would take care of them? There was a match of Marco Polo going on in my head until I finally fell asleep.
The next day, the same Marco Polo match continued to play out until finally, my parents showed up unexpectantly and uninvited . The minute they saw me they knew something was wrong. They begged me to come and stay at their condo so I would not be alone. I reluctantly went. They contacted Mike and said I was a mess and I needed help.
I was not ready to get help. It was not until a few days later I was out with my best friend, Jennifer, and I admitted I needed to go to the hospital.
The next morning I went to therapy and told my therapist I was ready for help. She told me what I needed to do. I came home and packed a bag. I went to the hospital and admitted myself.
The first thirty minutes were pleasant when I was in the triage. They assured me it would be ok; however, once I crossed the threshhold and went back to the emergency area it was a whole other ball game. There were police, loud noises, and people constantly watching me.
I wanted to leave. I begged to leave. I cried. My husband assured me I would be ok. I finally arrived on the floor, and I was greeted by a kind nursing staff.
And the work began.